The Butch is Back!

I have complicated feelings about butch/femme identities in lesbian relationships.  On the one hand, I find the contrast incredibly sexy- I have a hard time aesthetically appreciating lesbian couples where the partners look too similar to each other.

((that being said, my straight, cis parents look so similar they are often thought to be brother and sister, and they are darn attractive people and a cute couple, so there are exceptions))

On the other hand, I dislike how that dichotomy of gendered identity in couples can play into the hands of people who completely distort conceptions of gay relationships, gender identity, and queerness to ask inane questions like “Who is the man in the relationship?” (um, last time I checked, we were both women, and I really hope it stays that way…)

Which is why I LOVE this piece that was written on the Made of Words blog for Sugarbutch’sButch Symposium.  I’ve recently come to follow some amazing bloggers who are participating in the Butch Symposium and writing about Butch identity and all the complexities that come with it, which has made me fall in love with butch (and femme) identities all over again, for the incredibly complex picture of sexuality (and genderfuck) that they represent.  In this piece, the blogger is femme and writes about her experiences dealing with stereotypes about her girlfriend’s butch identity. 

According to common wisdom. I’m supposed to be a huge pillow princess.  Complete bottom.  Love, love, love penetration with the biggest, most realistic cock ever in the history of cocks.  That common wisdom comes from the same people that ask “So…who’s the dude?” when trying to figure out how my and Jae’s relationship works. …If the above is true about me, then the following is true about Jae:  she’s the dude.  She’s got the biggest, most realistic cock (which she packs everywhere) and she can caulk the tub while fucking me at the same time.  She is always on top and calls me her girl and has a touch of chauvinism to her.

This is precisely the kind of distorted conceptions I am talking about, and it has much to do with the ideas I presented in Christmas and Gender Stereotypes back in December.  People love to conflate gender with sexuality and vice versa, and then further conflating those gender roles with sexual roles, which doesn’t work in straight relationships, nor in gay ones.  (I won’t go on a tirade about how your boyfriend asking you to fuck him in the ass is not an indication that he’s gay, but suffice to say that this is a prime example of one such wrongful association of gender and sexual roles in straight society).

When it comes to lesbians, people love to assume that butch women are also dominant sexual partners, primarily because they have first associated butch-ness with masculinity, and that same sexual assumption is packed into straight relationships too.  But if you separate out these “linked” dichotomies, you get a much fuller picture of what “butch” means.

Holden, at the Packing Vocals blog, eloquently explains one of the facets of butch that ze identifies with (I use ze as the pronoun because Holden identifies as genderqueer as well as butch, which is another bit of vocabulary unpacking you should consider when reading zir entire piece here):

“The Butch gentleman is chivalrous in an innate way, socialised as female she has an instinctive ability to care for her lady and others around her. She conforms to the accepted notions of being a gentleman but simultaneously her very nature is non-conforming. The butch gentleman has the guts to buck against society while maintaining (to a high standard) some mainstream societal values. She is gentleman performed in different way, more controlled and thought out, deliberate and not just because it’s expected. She anticipates rather than reacting to the needs of others and is almost one step beyond good manners. She will endeavour to control her emotions and hide her feelings, but unlike the English gentleman in the right hands it will all come flooding out.”

I think this is a brilliant explanation of one variety of butch, because, as Holden points out throughout this same entry, there are many different ways that a butch identity can be enacted, beyond simply how one dresses or styles her/his/zir hair.  I’ve written about similar thoughts related to femme identity expression that are more personal, which you can refresh yourself about here.

Most importantly, Holden sums up:

“Butch for me is having the strength to be true to the inner voice which guides me while ignoring outside influences which try to dictate how I should be. It’s the name for all the feelings and desires which have been with me since birth. It’s the label that most completely captures the essence of who I am and who I want to be.”

Butch identity can be beautiful in its completeness if you have the strength and vision to shape it, rather than allowing society’s expectations and understandings do the shaping for you.  Butch is deconstructing the contradictions that binary-style genderism has created about simply being yourself.

And whether you identify as butch, femme, a power dyke, a chapstick lesbian, a boi, or something in between or in combination, that’s advice we all can take to heart.

Literotica and the Real World

Hey queer kids,

So this blog done a bit of talking about porn explored various versions of expressing sexuality- including kink, BDSM, orgasms, and whatnot.  But I think a highly under-appreciated art form within the realm of sex and sexuality is erotic literature.

The term, made popular by the site Literotica.com, is exactly what it sounds like: literary erotic fiction.  People get fucked, but you hear about it like a story- sometimes poetic, sometimes fierce, guttural, and straightforward.    For people who are turned off by visual images like those in internet or video porn, literotica is a brilliant way to explore aspects of your own sexuality (and use your visual imagination!) in a stimulating way…

For those of you who don’t know where to start, here’s my brief catalogue of sites that might interest you.

Literotica.com– this site is HUGE and has stories updated constantly, but it is for the serious reader, because a lot of stories have multiple chapters, intertwining story lines, or just excessively long introductions.  If you are looking for a quick wank, this is not your site.  However, I have found a lot of the stories to both sexual and very intensely literary, ironic, funny, and engaging, the way a novel would be.   The biggest plus is that all the content is rated and really well-organized.  I suggest starting with the “Top Lists” and then moving into specific categories.

Cliterati.co.uk– this is very much a woman-friendly literotica site.  Most of the stories are written by women and often have women as their central point-of-view.  Major plus is that the stories are short but very well written.  Downside is that the site isn’t updated often, so if you are looking for new material, this is not your place.

Sugarbutch Chronicles- Sugarbutch is all about butch-femme dynamics.  It’s really more of an erotic blog written by a lesbian in a strongly gendered relationship with a lot of sub-dom interactions.  She often refers to herself as male or in masculine-gendered terms, so don’t let that throw you.  If you’re into power dynamics, strap-ons, and lots of lesbianism, this is the place for you.  It’s written fantastically well, but is of-course, a little pigeon-holed in terms of content.

Nifty Erotic Stories Archive and Sextails.com are both along the lines of Literotica: they have HUGE archives of user-generated stories.  The ranking system that literotica has is virtually non-existent, but the sites are well-maintained, well-organized, and there’s pretty much something for everyone.  These are probably the best two for Male-male erotic fiction.

Herotica- If you’re looking for the comfort of an old-fashioned paperback book, check out Herotica: A Collection of Women’s Erotic Fiction. Link will take you to Amazon which has used copies for a little as 1 cent plus shipping.  Seriously, do you need a better reason?  Herotica includes gay, straight, and poly interactions, but the focus of herotica is that “the woman cums” so most of the stories are written by women or with the woman in mind.

Check ’em out and let me know what your favorites are!

Stay queer, cool kids.