Archive for August, 2011


Experiments of Welcome Week

Welcome Week logoCollege welcome week has just come and gone, replaced with the responsibilities of classes and club sports, papers and calling home.  To many, the past week has become synonymous with debauchery: wild frat parties with copious amounts of alcohol, random hookups with freshman whose names you’ll never remember the next morning, and LOTS of free food.

I think welcome week was also part of the genesis of the “Lesbian Until Graduation” myth, and similar cultural tropes about sexual exploration in college.  I feel like this storyline has crossed most people’s minds:  in your sleep-deprived, overly-intoxicated freshman haze, you somehow find yourself in bed with an equally drunk senior Women’s studies major who opens you up to the incredible, life-altering world of lesbian sex, so that, the next morning, you declare to all of your friends that you are firmly and absolutely a lesbian.  You follow this Women’s studies major for half the year, when she finally confronts you about stalking her and sends you packing.  In despair, you sleep with every available woman on campus, until you finally realize, upon graduation, that you never really liked women that much to begin with, settle down with the hunky star of the swim team (with his incredibly built shoulders and pecs) and start cranking out babies like a normal heterosexual.

((Ok, maybe I’m the only who thinks about that…))  

Either way, this trope makes about as much sense as Charlie Sheen, and yet the idea of college promoting sexual experimentation persists.  (I don’t like it to begin with, because it involves alcohol, which makes consent impossible, and this is not a point I can stress enough!)

Moreover, I’m not one to use personal experience for or against this argument- I’ve never been to a frat party, never “hooked up” with anyone in college, and all the girls I know on the women’s rugby team are straight.  However, this article from the New York Times breaks down the sexual experimentation myth into both statistical reality and conjectures about the origin of the sexual experimentation myth.

“The popular stereotype of college campuses as a hive of same-sex experimentation for young women may be all wrong...according to the new study, conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, based on 13,500 responses, almost 10 percent of women ages 22 to 44 with a bachelor’s degree said they had had a same-sex experience, compared with 15 percent of those with no high school diploma. “

The most interesting question raised by their initial finding is the difference between this data (collected between 2006-2008), and the data of 2002, which showed almost no correlation between education level and same-sex sexual activity.  The article doesn’t really address why this is, but I suspect it has to do with the growth and accessibility of lesbian-friendly dating sites and the greater prominence of display in lesbian sexual identity online (think about how easily you can check someone’s facebook to see who they’re “interested in”), which makes it easier for working-class (sometimes socially isolated) lesbians to find others.  But that is just a shot in the dark on my end.

Book: Adventures of a Lesbian College School GirlThe rest of the article is a little scatter-brained, dabbling in questions of sexual fluidity, white middle-class stereotypes, and the gender gap in homosexuality, but it’s essence boils down to this: far from being exclusively a phenomenon of the crazed experimentation of college students finally liberated from their parents’ watchful eye, lesbian sex happens in the real world, where working class people, ethnic minorities, professionals, day laborers, and everyone in between coexist.

And as for welcome week?  I guess there aren’t that many hot girls hooking up with each other after all.  You should probably go fix that.  But keep it safe, keep it sober, and keep it consensual.

Welcome back to college everyone.

Getting Off

Stalker Cat is Watching You MasturbateI absolutely refuse to write another article about masturbation, but there’s a quote that I found which is so spot on I had to share it:

“If you’re counting on your partner to know more about your body than you do, that’s going to add unnecessary awkwardness to the mix and make it more likely that your sexual experiences will be less than satisfying,” says Dr. Kleinplatz.

I think this is the best endorsement I’ve ever heard for masturbation.  Learn what works for you before you have a partner try to puzzle through it!  I’m sure he/she/ze will appreciate your guidance and expertise when the time comes.

More significant writing coming soon.

Stay cool, queer kids.

SlutWalk DC

Saturday was the big day for DC sluts who got together to protest the victim blaming and slut shaming of present-day rape culture.  Hundreds of us met in Lafeyette Park and marched down to a stage at the Washington Monument, sporting everything from kilts to rainbow suspenders and pasties to just regular ol’ t-shirts and jeans.  Regardless of what we were wearing, we were all saying the same thing: that rape and sexual violence of any kind is completely unacceptable, and as a society, it’s high time we evolved.

If you don’t know what SlutWalk is, or want a reminder of why I think it’s such a worthwhile cause, take a look at In Defense of SlutWalk from earlier this summer.

SlutWalk DC was organized as a satellite event to benefit the DC Rape Crisis Center, an excellent organization that has been serving people of the metro area with counseling, assistance in navigating the medical and legal systems associated with rape, and offering sexual assault awareness education to the community for many years.  The turnout on behalf of the cause and the center was impressive in the spirit and strength of their message and conviction, if not in their numbers.

It astounds me that events like the Equality March and the Rally to Restore Sanity can amass hundreds of thousands of supporters, while SlutWalk DC pulled together shy of 500 people for their cause.  I could rant for a few paragraphs about how this represents a cultural insensitivity towards rape as an epidemic and startling inability to see beyond tired moral messages about promiscuity on behalf of the greater issues, but I won’t.  Why?  Because it undermines the people who did come to SlutWalk and the passion they gave for their cause.   SlutWalkers pasted posters on passing buses, danced to techno pop emitting from tiny rolling speakers, booed the ignorance and prejudice of the DC police who handle rape case reporting, and made noise on behalf of thousands of people who have lost their voices through sexual violence.

What was most poignant about SlutWalk DC, however, was the keynote speaker Andrea Bredbeck, the survivor of three violent rapes, a presenter at the UN Conference on New and Renewable Energy Sources, and now the producer of a documentary called “Living After Rape.”  Her entire speech was amazing, but her most important point was this: even those of us protesting and fighting back against rape culture must be careful where we aim our ire.  Men do not come out of their mothers’ wombs with the desire to rape- it is engendered by a society that permits the attitudes surrounding rape, the ones which tell us how much a girl is allowed to talk about or want sex, about how men should be aggressive and women passive, about which women are respectable and which ones are sluts.  And yes, this is aimed at my sister, and all my high school friends, and everyone who has ever pointed the finger at women in short skirts and red lipstick and demeaned them for what they decided they wanted.  These messages create rape culture, and thus, allow rape into existence.

And frankly, that’s what this whole blog boils down to.  That we are all people, and regardless of how we dress and who we sleep with and what gender we identify as, we all deserve the dignity and respect inherent in our humanness.  Creating those lines, those divisions and moral judgments only serves to justify the violence and dehumanization that begets and is beget by rape.   My friend George summed this up in a late-night talk recently: “all sex is good sex, as long as it is consensual and everyone is having fun.”  I think that holds up for everything SlutWalk is about.

PS: If you like this blog, consider heading over to Between My Sheets where you can nominate me and Forever the Queerest Kids for the “Sexiest Blogger of 2011” contest.  It would mean a lot to get on the list, and all you have to do is comment on the  blog post at Between My Sheets linked above with the title and URL of this blog, and I’ll be entered.  Nominations close August 31st, so be quick about it!  Thanks for your support!

Stay cool, queer kids.

Click on the picture to go to Babeland's site and pick up the Two!

I just received my first toy from Babeland, and boy, do I have FEELINGS about.Picture of The Two at Babeland [redirect to Babeland order form for The Two]

First of all, the Two is lavender and it’s adorable.  Shaped like two forefingers stuck together, it’s the most un-intimidating dildo I’ve ever seen, even though at  5-1/2″ long and 1-7/8″ wide, it’s larger than any other one I own (what can I say, I like mine small!).

The Two is hollow almost up to the second finger joint, so you can slip your own fingers inside it, and it creates a surprisingly snug seal.  I can fit my fingers in up to base of my hand, but for ladies (or men!) with larger proportions than mine, it should still fit nicely ¾ of the way down the fingers.  The two is made of silicone, which is excellent, as an sex-toy enthusiast will tell you, because silicone is boilable and non-porous,  making it the most sanitary toy material out there.

As for its usefulness, let me rave a little.  The Two is made by lesbians and marketed to lesbians for a reason- the shape RESONATES.  In general, I’ve found round dildos to be problematic.  Because the length and girth of a dildo are usually proportional, they’re either too short to reach those deep spots, or too wide to be comfortable for me.  Which is why the Two is so amazing.  Since the Two is shaped like fingers, it’s long without being excessively wide, and the joints in the design help it to angle into those hard-to-reach spots.

Moreover, the Two adds about two inches of depth to any fingering episode, making it incredible for solo use.  How many of us have felt the creep of carpal tunnel from having our fingers wedged at such atrocious angles while masturbating?  Not anymore.  Those extra two inches makes it so much easier to reach under without hurting my fingers or my wrist.  At $39, that’s not a bad investment to avoid serious wrist pain down the line.

Because of its shape, the Two definitely requires some extra lube, as it won’t go in as smoothly as a round dildo.  But it more than makes up for that in its versatility, ease of use, and all-around cuteness.

What a great way to start off a product review career!  The Two is going to be part of my permanent collection, and I highly suggest it for anyone looking to start a toy collection.

Bianca, in her infinite graciousness (and desire to get some more traffic on this here blog) has set a challenge before you!

I am looking for the coolest, most interesting, funniest, strangest, most awkward – pick any superlative you like!- story about sex andsexuality from before you turned 18.  It doesn’t have to be a personal experience, although it can be, but anything you have seen or heard or gossiped about before you turned 18 counts.  Write it in the comments below, or if you don’t feel comfortable with that, email me at bonkiep@gmail.com.

Why should you bother?  Because the person who submits the most unique story to this blog will receive a copy of Paul Joannides Guide to Getting it On, 4th edition.  The Guide to Getting It On was the first sex book I ever owned, and despite it’s limitations, helped me to navigate difficult periods of in my developing sexuality.  It has a great list of resources in the back index as well as strong articles and illustrations on everything from getting comfortable with your body to oral sex to gender play.

So what are you waiting for?  Post away, and let your friends know!  The contest is open to anyone and everyone.

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