Prostitutes vs. Sex Workers

Happy 2011 everyone!

 

I may have gotten a little preachy at my New Years Party about the problems inherent in shaming words like “slut,” “whore,” etc.   It’s an issue I’ve talked about obliquely on my blog a lot, about how everyone should be free to express their own sense of sexuality without feeling ashamed of it or having to answer to someone else’s moral standards.  But I went on a bit of rant aimed specifically at vocabulary yesterday.

See, while it’s one thing to say you support everyone’s right to express their own sexuality, it’s an awful lot harder to live it in your everyday life.  When you drive past an adult video store, you might raise an eyebrow at the cars parked in the lot and wonder if you know any of the people in there….  When you see in a girl in a miniskirt, a low-cut top, and heels walking down the street, you might look down on her for dressing that way and wonder if she’s a “hooker.”  Just like these socially-ingrained attitudes about sexual propriety, our vocabulary reflects how little we actually do accept of human sexuality.

Words like slut, cunt, whore, dick… these are all manifestations of a social attitude towards sex.  Their usage defines how much sex is ok, how low that top can sit, how much skin the girl can show, how many women a guy can have.  Whether we admit it or not, we all make judgements about people based on these behaviors, and they often aren’t pretty ones.

I won’t lie.  I was that girl in high school.  The one who looked down on all the girls having sex in 10th and 11th grade, the one who stole guys wallets to see if there were condoms inside (which was proof, of course, that they were terrible people who only thought about sex)… I was that girl who made snap judgements about you based on how short your dress was at homecoming and how much makeup you wore.

But I recognize now how wrong that was, how hurtful.  None of those choices make a person bad, immoral, disgusting.  They’re just choices, and choices that any person has the right and autonomy to make.

I have two links that I love for the way they illustrate my point in relation to people in sex work.  While I know that there are people out there who are trapped in prostitution by money issues, by drug problems, but debt or fear or any number of problems, I also know that not all of them are.  And moreover, regardless of their situation, sex workers are still people.  They still have lives and choices to make- but like the sluts and whores of high school, they are constantly being judged, being told that they aren’t good enough for something because of what they do for money.  The article, “Can Sex Workers Afford Love?” talks about this more eloquently than I ever could.

No one suggests that masseuses can’t afford to love, or acupuncturists, or therapists, and what they’re offering is intimate in nature as well, in different ways. I’m offering my skills as a Top, along with my creativity and my undivided attention. I’m offering a hand job from a girl who empathizes with wanting to get off with someone else and yet not wanting to go through the dating dance steps. I’m offering someone who will talk about sex with you, and communicate clearly and effectively, and with any luck will have rubbed some of that off on you.

Just because you cum on my hands and you pay me for it doesn’t mean I’m suddenly unable to love people.”

Sex workers are human, and that should really be more obvious than it is.  For another fantastic, if lighter take on the subject, I look to the new tumblr, “Stuff Sex Workers Eat” which in addition to being amazing fodder for my culinary adventures, is a beautiful

Mona Ramone eats angry little bear cookies. She loves to bake!

reminder of the other 23 hours in a sex worker’s day, where they eat, bake, see friends, laugh, and live colorful, social lives.

If we could see all people in this same light- with the purity of non-judgment, with the ability to remove our own squicks about sexual behavior and morals from our views on individual people, I think the world would be better off.

((So that’s your homework while I’m in Kenya, queer kids.  The girlfriend has mentioned the possibility of making a few posts while I’m away, so you might hear from her, but I’m off on an adventure.  Much love and blessings for the new year!)

 

Coming Out Every Day

I think one of the most interesting misconceptions of the gay community has to do with “coming out.” In a lot of literature, it seems like coming out is a singular event, it-happens-once-and-then-you’re-out-for-good kind of deal, which any out LGBT person can tell you is completely untrue.

Coming out is a constant, ongoing process which takes a lot of care, trust, and good judgment.  It’s about deciding who needs to know, who you want to know, who has the right to know, and how soon to tell them.  It’s about how much of your true self you are willing to put forth at any given time.

I think of coming out as one of the most unique experiences our modern

culture offers: in a way, all people “come out” with small aspects of their personality- the classic football player’s love for baking or the business man who cross-dresses on weekends.  Just like these modern archetypes, LGBT people all keep an aspect of their life quiet for a period of time; they hide a chunk of their essence because of fear, misunderstanding, or insecurity.  But, unlike the baking football player, coming out as LGBT exists on a whole other emotional playing field, because the confession is no longer one of practice, but one integral to the person’s being.

If necessary, a football player can stop making cookies on Saturday night- he may be sad to leave his favorite hobby, but he can choose to do so if he feels that it is bringing upon him too much criticism or mockery.  An LGBT person, on the other hand, can never abdicate that part of themselves.  He/she/ze will always be gay and that cannot change.  A gay person can suppress that part of themselves- like transgender people wearing cis-gendered (aka- aligned with their birth sex) clothing so not to draw attention to their true gender identity- but they can never completely eradicate the feelings that make up that identity.

Which is why coming out is so difficult EVERY SINGLE TIME.  A gay person does not simply say “Hey world, I’m gay,”

and then never need to express it again.  They will always be telling new people about their partner, about their gender or their preferred pronouns, or their sexuality.  Coming out never stops.  And it is incredibly hard.

Being LGBT forces you to read people immediately and accurately so that you know how much of the truth you can give out.  It forces you to constantly measure yourself and your personal feelings against other people’s prejudices and values.  And occasionally, it means coming out in spite of them, putting yourself in the path of hatred or rejection, in

order to change someone’s point of view.

I can’t tell you how to come out and I can’t tell you who to tell first.  I can’t tell you when to do it for the first time, but I can tell you that there is no such thing as the last time.  You will always be coming out, always shaping and influencing with your disclosures and your trust.  And for that, the only thing I can say is thank you.  Thank you for your courage and conviction, for your belief in yourself and the purity of who you love.  Thank you for being ok with yourself and for slowly but surely teaching the rest of the world to be ok with it too.