Aging and Kinky

I’ve spoken before about how uncomfortable most people are when it comes to viewing their parents and other people from previous generations as sexual beings, and the numerous societal problems that stem from that taboo.  Well, here’s one more to add to the list.

The bias against kinky old people is not one that’s commonly talked about, but as social services and even home-care providers become part of the mix for the elderly (but still active!) population, it’s an important one to understand.  Amy Marsh from Carnal Nation writes:

“A Citizen’s Guide to Preventing and Reporting Elder Abuse” …presents the warning signs of elder abuse, including those which are physical: “physical assault,” “unexplained bruises or welts,” “injuries that are incompatible with explanations,” and “any injuries that reflect the outline of an object, for example a belt, cord, or hand.”

For a kinky elder, all of the above might simply be the traces of a fabulous night of play. But for a social worker or other mandated reporter, such signs will indicate severe abuse and the necessity to report immediately to Adult Protective Services. That is unless the kinky elder feels comfortable enough explaining these “signs” to a (possibly tight-lipped and judgmental) social worker. And are there any guarantees that the worker will buy this explanation? Not necessarily. The results will not be pretty.”

Don’t think it’s that big of an issue, because “older people aren’t generally kinky?”  Think again.  The over 50 community is increasingly getting involved in the BDSM scene, either as they reinvent themselves after a partner dies or a long-term relationship ends, and/or as the internet opens up new opportunities to seek like-minded individuals.  One of my new favorite bloggers, Rachel Rabbit White, wrote this awesome article called “The Old Masters,” which takes a look at how the older generations are enjoying the freedom and experimentation of BDSM, and considers both the peaks and pitfalls of age in this “erotic version of high-impact sports:”

“When I ask Master Z if the aging bodies makes him nervous he replies, “Hell no.” In his opinion, it’s the kids that get into trouble with hurting themselves, the newbies. The older people tend to know what they are doing, they are the ones who will stop a dangerous scene, and show you how to do it.

But sometimes older people are the newbies. Peaches’ hair is gray, her face sloped with age. In a voice shaky and warmed by southern twang she tells me she got into BDSM seven years ago.”

But she also touches on the troubles associated with seniors who attempt to “come out” to their children and grandchildren, who, more often than not, want nothing to do with such confessions:

“Both Peaches and Master R have tried coming out to their adult kids. Peaches’ kids didn’t want to hear about it, shutting her up with a quick, “Mom, if you are happy, we are happy.” Master R opened up to one of his children, who did not approve. “I know if one of them knows, then they all know, but no one mentions it,” he says.”

This problem compounds upon itself.  The less we talk about elder sexuality in general, the more awkward these conversations with care providers get for older kinky people, and the more awkward the conversations get, the less we have them, and thus, the less we talk about elder sexuality in general.

Personally, I think it’s a huge shame on two fronts: first that we, as the generation that thinks we invented sex, are too cowed by our own personal prejudice against the elder generations to talk openly and without judgment about their sexuality; and second, that the medical establishment has such a huge blind spot in terms of care for the aging population (and if we’re really being honest, for people of all ages- when’s the last time you told your doctor about how much you like piercing play?).

To remedy this, my homework for you all is to start following Joan and her lovely blog, Naked at Our Age/Better than I Ever Expected.  Her writing is humorous, honest, and beautifully emotionally open as she looks at all aspects of sexuality in the aging population.  READ IT!  And get comfortable with it, because someday, you’ll be the raunchy grandparent that makes your kids feel awkward.

One More Gay Kenya Post

The great thing about the summer after my abroad semester is the slow pace, which has allowed me some time to process my feelings about living in Kenya and to confront a lot of the difficult realizations I came to during my time there.  And many of those realizations are intertwined very tightly with my identity as a queer person.

Being queer abroad wasn’t as repressive as I was expecting (because frankly, my standards were pretty low), but it was hard.  I didn’t have the freedom for self-expression that I was used to, and I had to continuously deny the most positive relationship in my life- that of my loving girlfriend of almost two years.  I felt stifled and cut off from my activism and my identity.

I think the pressure I felt most acutely, however, was the pressure to make the homophobia I felt around me into “not a big deal.”  Because I was in Kenya and because all of the students of the trip were dealing with difficult issues of color, race, wealth, and especially gender, my concerns became relatively less important. It’s fairly obvious that I still have trouble talking about my time in Kenya, though, and about the things I did think and feel.  I tend to skirt around details, get caught in self-referential circles to nowhere, only alluding to the things that have really hurt me.      But I think it’s because I can never entitle myself to the pain, when we all went through so much there.  My whole group faced a lot of hard decisions, a lot of frustration, a lot of doubt in our work and the future of our host country, and the goodness of its people.   I could never hone the hurt down to just homophobia, to just being closeted, because it was so many things more than that.  And it was more than that for everyone else- so I haven’t accepted that my load was just a little heavier than some of my classmates.  Even writing the fact seems wrong. I still won’t believe it as true.

Why?  Homophobia in Kenya is not blatant: it is not Prime Ministers getting up on podiums to denounce the homosexual menace.  It is not men screaming and spitting on effeminate boys walking through the Central Business District.  It is not even, generally, underhanded allusions to prostitution or moral decay.  Homophobia in Kenya is rarely offered outright- it has to be drawn from people with the right questions.  Thus, if you DO ask those questions, and you DO get offended, well, who is to blame but you, right?

And that’s the most poisonous part.  That the men and women you genuinely try to befriend- the coworkers and classmates and even the guards and maids who inhabit your daily routine- are all seeping with that ignorance and hate underneath.  There’s such a beautiful gloss over homophobia in Kenya, and yet, knowing that it’s just a gloss makes it all the more painful.

Part of me wishes that someone could have told me.  Part of me believes it would have made me better prepared.  And yet, mostly, I realize that it wouldn’t have made a lot of difference.  Indiana University, long known as one of the most friendly LGBT campuses in the US, created a whole website for LGBT students studying abroad (as well as for international educators and staff welcoming international students to the US), and there are a few useful documents- notably their checklists of What Can An International Student Orientation Program Do? and What Can a Study Abroad Office Do? which help college staff in charge of study abroad and international students to better incorporate LGBT concerns into their programming- but for the most part, the   advice on the site rings hollow.  It has little to do with my actual experiences in Kenya.  It offers little insight, and no therapy.

Because how can any website give me permission to feel betrayed by homophobia, when the people who hold it in their hearts suffer so many injustices that I can’t even fathom?  How can any essay tell me it’s ok to say I had it harder than my friend who was harassed almost daily walking through Nairobi, who was denied exit from public transportation one day and driven into some remote part of the city against her will?  How can I grieve when my weakness feels oppressive to those who have suffered and continue to suffer more than me?

I honestly don’t know, and I fear that if I cannot accept these contradictions in my experience, I won’t be able to move on with my life.  But there’s no one that can help me with it.  It has to come from inside.

As for those of you who are looking to study abroad, especially in Middle Eastern or African programs, let this be a warning for what you’ll have to face, but not one meant to dissuade.  Being in Kenya was the most meaningful experience of my life to date, and despite all the pain, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  The best thing I can suggest is that you look through IU’s list of weblinks to regional organizations that deal with LGBT issues abroad.  There is some comfort in knowing that there are groups fighting stigma and homophobia/transphobia everywhere, however small and often isolated their influence is.  Because when it comes down to it- when you’re finally there, confronting a whole new world- there’s nothing left to be done but to go on living.

Demigod, Demiglaze… Demisexual?

A friend and blog follower asked me the other day if I could write about the unique and slightly controversial identity of demisexuality.  I hesitated, however, because upon zer suggestion, I had NO IDEA what demisexuality was.

After some internet research, I found that demisexuality is a rather newly-coined (relatively) identity that falls within the asexuality spectrum, also known as the “Gray-A.”  It’s difficult to talk about, much in the same way that the identity “queer” is difficult to talk about, because it has multiple meanings for different people.

The best summation I’ve found of what constitutes a demisexual is from the A-positive forums:

1. Someone who, in Rabger’s model, only experiences secondary sexual attraction, not primary sexual attraction (ie attraction which is not based on instantly available information)
2. Someone who only experiences sexual attraction to people who are emotionally close.
3. Someone who only experiences sexual attraction following romantic attraction.
4. Someone who only experiences sexual attraction only to one particular person.

One of the tricky things about definition number one, though, is this:  if you try to look up Rabger’s model on the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) or anywhere else online, you won’t find it.  The post most people reference it by was deleted by Rabger zimself, due to incorrect content.

My understanding of the model is that primary sexual attraction is referential to visible characteristics i.e. nice pecs, beautiful eyes, or a great smile, which allow sexual people to determine attraction to others without necessarily knowing them.  Conversely, secondary sexual attraction refers to attraction based on personality, charm, shared interests, friendship, etc. – aspects that must be learnt by spending time and knowing a person more intimately.  I cannot, however, say if this is entirely accurate, since the model is no longer available online.

Regardless of whether or not the definitions are accurately sources, demisexuality presents an interesting conundrum, and one that the LGB(T? I have no idea where the trans people are in this conversation)people are having a hard time coming to terms with.

There’s actually a LOT of very negative writing out there on the interwebs about the asexual community, and demisexuality has only increased the ire with which LGB people write because it infringes on the “sexualness” of their community.  While enough people spew hatred and stupidity at asexuals for NOT liking sex, even more hate gets spewed at demisexuals, because they are perceived to be straddling that line between sexual and not-sexual, which, much like with biphobia of the 90’s, is a hard pill for hardliners in the community to accept.

Which is terrible.  Specifically, it’s terrible because detractors of demisexuality approach their critiques from precisely the wrong direction: that is, the sexual direction.

Critics of demisexuality love to talk about the identity as if it was actually normative- that “regular” people often wait to become intimate with partners until they feel emotionally connected to them and need that romantic framework in order to make sex good and worthwhile.  But, as I said, this is approaching demisexuality from the “sexual” direction.  It presumes that sex is a natural product of a relationship, and that the instinctive urge for sex is always there, but needs to be coaxed into a comfortable operating space by romantic closeness.

However, for people identifying within the Gray-A/demisexual community, sex is not a foregone conclusion.  In fact, it’s exactly the opposite.  Sex will not happen, nor is there innate desire for it to happen.  Sexual desire is rather an anomaly borne of a particularly strong or special emotional connection, and not the other way around.

Querishquery explains:

“… in my case, [demisexuality] means that I have no interest in having sex with people I am not in love with. This is different from celibacy or “waiting for marriage” because it’s not that I want sex and I’m choosing not to do it; it’s more that sexual attraction for me is secondary to love. First I need to love you, then I will want to make love as an expression of that. The idea of showing my junk to someone I don’t have a bond with is frankly a bit weird. I don’t really identify as ace (asexual) because once I am in love, I have a lot of desire for sex with that person”

So let’s review.  Demisexuality = Relationship –> Love –> Sex Drive –> Sex

It is NOT               Sex drive –> Relationship –> Love –> Sex

Secondarily, critics of demisexuality like to talk about sex without talking about attraction, which is a huge pitfall when it comes to asexual/Gray-A/demisexual people in general.  For instance, a sexual person may feel attraction for a hunky celebrity or a stranger walking down the street without bringing any of their fantasies to fruition and actually bedding them, or even knowing them.  HOWEVER, when we talk about Gray-A people, attraction cannot precede some kind of relationship between the Gray-A person and the object of their affection.

Again:  Knowing –> Loving –> Desire for Sex

But besides all this negativity about demisexuality critics, I really like this identity because it actually affirms the way that I talk about my own sexuality, by distinctively separating, but still acknowledging both romantic attraction and sexual attraction.  As I’ve said before, I am sexually and romantically attracted to women, but ONLY romantically attracted to men.  While this certainly doesn’t qualify me as demisexual, it does beautifully deconstruct the difference between romance and sex, without excluding either one.  Yeah demisexuals!

PS: My first toy from Babeland is coming next week!  Be on the lookout for a review, and if you haven’t already, check out their site here.

What I Love About Polyamory

During the most recent months of my blog-scouring and self-reflection, I’ve been honing in on a lot of material about the polyamorous community and all the wonderful growth and learning experiences that living in a poly relationship can bring.  So here’s my list (and a number of awesome articles  to go with it!) about what polyamory can bring to the table for personal improvement and interpersonal intimacy

1.  Living in a poly or open relationship forces you to be an amazing communicator.

The top priority for every poly person is to love while doing no harm.  Just because people are in open relationships doesn’t mean jealousy doesn’t happen, feelings aren’t going to be hurt, or problems won’t arise.  Because it does, they are, they will.  Polyamory has so many pitfalls if you aren’t being completely, 100% honest with your partner.  They need to know what you are thinking and feeling and needing not only in regards to their relationship with you, but in regards to their relationship as it relates to your OTHER relationships.  Tricky stuff.

One of the biggest aspects of polyamory among couples that date separately is the question of “negotiating permissions.”  For an illustration of how this works, but also why it can be tricky, I direct you to The Ferret, a blog on polyamory, and his explanation of “The Butterfinger Metaphor.”  

“Look,” I said. “Imagine that we’re going out to see a movie. You know I love movies, because movies are awesome. But imagine, if you will, that there was a chance that at this movie theater, on any given night, the cashier might also give me free Butterfingers. …[But] you care about the Butterfingers so much that I have to make sure you’re aware of every Butterfinger I eat. So every time I head to the movies, I’m all like, ‘Hell, if there’s a chance at Butterfingers, I’d better clear it with Gini – because if it turned out there was someone willing to give me Butterfingers and you would have been okay with that, I’d hate to miss out.’” 

…“So we spend a lot of time discussing Butterfingers,” I boldly continued, “But the actual amount of time I spend getting Butterfingers, or even deeply caring about Butterfingers, is pretty damned slim. I just want to make sure that if Butterfingers are available, it’s okay with you.” 

 Maybe the metaphor is terrible, but it’s also an adorable way of illustrating the importance and difficulties of negotiating permissions.  If you want to spend time with another partner, but not hurt your primary partner, you end up asking a lot more often that you end up receiving, which can in turn, irritate your primary partner because you spend so much time asking to sleep with other people.

HOWEVER, I would argue that the hyper-developed communication skills which led to the Butterfingers problem also allowed it to be solved, because both partners were able to talk about why there was a disconnect in the way they were interacting and feeling.   And creative, constructive dialogue is awesome!

2.   Being in a poly/open relationship allows you to experience things sexually that another partner is unable to give, and/or offer the variety you feel like you’ve been missing.

One of the major boons about poly life in the kink community is that it combines the emotional commitment and trust that many kinky people need in their sex lives without needing to put all your eggs in one basket, as it were.  Many kinky people have a variety of practices that interest them, but have a life partner that is either not kinky at all, or that is drawn to different varieties of kinks than them.   For example, a male/female couple may both like domination and submission play, but the man also likes fire play or other practices too extreme for his partner.  Likewise, the woman may like to switch and play with other women in the opposite role from when she plays with her husband.  This kind of variability is incredibly useful to kinky people, and is much safer- physically and emotionally- than playing with strangers at parties or in the club scene (not that there’s anything wrong with that- but it is more dangerous).

This is equally true for vanilla relationships and single people who fear “getting tied down by true love” before they’ve experimented and satisfied their curiosity with people who aren’t “the one.”  Dan Savage talks about this brilliantly in “What Does Marriage Mean,” where a young couple with three children ends up separating because they realized that they hadn’t had enough sexual experiences of their own before settling down with each other.  But because they were unprepared to acknowledge the potential for a non-monogamous, yet committed relationship, they had to leave each other, which I think is a frustrating and un-productive endgame.

3. Poly/open relationships take the stress of dependency off of a diadic partner relationship.

The swinger’s blog, Life on the Swingset, provides a great explanation of this in their post, ”All Things Re-Considered.”

“In every aspect of a modern life, we’ve become interconnected and interdependent with others. Every aspect except sex, that is. Most still expect themselves to be everything for their partners in the bedroom….And with all of those expectations comes pressure. And feeling insufficient, which may just be the root of all jealousy….All of us in different open relationships, whether swinger, poly, or in some custom-built arrangement, share a comfort level in having another human being provide for our partners. In purely sexual terms, there are certain types of orgasms that [G] can’t have with me. “

4. Poly/open relationships give us the opportunity to explore ourselves emotionally- to better understand why we feel the way we feel about certain things, and to make us better people in general.

Being with more than one person at a time, and having to negotiate the complex cultural baggage and your own mental hoops about  what it means to care for multiple people IS HARD.  But it’s also rewarding.  You find different kinds of intimacy from different people;  they uncover new aspects of your personality and push you to learn more about your own limits and expectations.  There’s a reason Zachary Karabell refers to open relationships as “Sex as an extreme sport.”

5.  So that’s a lot of articles I just threw at you, but here’s one more- “Where We Are” by Lust and Confused.  They explain my favoritereason why poly relationships are awesome: because it means more love for everyone.  <3

Stay cool, queer kids.

Building a Sex-Positive World (with toys)

Exciting news, queer kids.  I’m going to be doing sex toy reviews from the wonderful sex-positive, woman-friendly sex toy provider, Babeland!

For those of you not familiar, Babeland is pretty much the name in eco-friendly, woman-friendly, queer-friendly, all around high quality toys.  Pretty much everything in my arsonal so far has come from them.

Even if you don’t have the money to spring for one of the more expensive toys like a fancy vibrator or dildo, there are tons of little treats there too for under $15, and even some games and play items like body paints.

Point being, you should check their site out.  And I’m not just saying that because their going to send me free toys.

Stay cool, queer kids.

Sex Domains

Let’s put this under the list of “news items Bianca should have mentioned a long time ago:”  Icann, the non-profit company that controls the distribution of internet domain names gave final approval in March for the creation of a .xxx domain level, specifically for porn and adult content sites.  The BBC covered it briefly here.

Many people have hypothesized what the exact effects on viewership will be- whether it will increase or decrease the stigma of looking at porn, whether it will help direct site traffic more effectively or eventually become a mandatory stricture for porn producers to prevent minors from accidentally wandering onto adult sites (see also: Bianca’s incredibly awkward internet search landing her on “animalfriends.com” rather than the non-profit animal shelter at “animalfriends.org”).

Personally, I think it’s just exciting news for the provider who gets their hands on http://www.sex.xxx.  Very exciting, LUCRATIVE news.

Stay cool, queer kids.

PS: Sex toy reviews on the blog- yay or nay?  I’ve considered starting to post them in benefit to curious readers.  Is there interest?

Bringing Up Baby…Gender Neutral

During my Sex, Gender, and Culture class last semester, I wrote a reflection paper on the idea of a genderless world and how possible/impossible/difficult it would be to achieve.  The idea seems much more relevant lately, as I’ve been finding numerous articles about parents and schools attempting to eradicate some of our most in-bred gender stereotypes through creative gender-neutral language and decision-making.

Take, to start, Storm, a now six-month old child in the Witterick and Stocker household (covered in this article) who is being raised genderless.  Zir parents’ decision not to disclose Storm’s gender has received a barrage of criticism for being an unrealistic approach to parenting which will leave Storm unable to interact normally with zir peers and will ultimately confuse and alienate the child.

I’ve seen a number of people’s reactions to this article, and what I find most striking is the difference between Storm’s parents and the general public’s assessment of how well children are able to self-navigate the world of gender.  I’ve heard many comments from people who believe that removing parents’ guidance about gender will inevitably confuse small children and become unsustainable as the rest of the world reinforces gender norms outside of their parents gender-neutral bubble.

I think there are three different ways to look at this kind of problem.  The first is to accept that enforcing gender neutrality has to be a life-long commitment, wherein parents cannot be the only outposts for this teaching.  This is the thinking that has introduced Egalia School in Sweden, which uses the Swedish neutral pronoun “hen” to refer to all students and guests, and calls them “friends” instead of “boys” and “girls.”  You can read from the AP about their carefully arranged plans for playspaces that deconstruct gender stereotypes and allow young Swedish children to learn about their gender in a free and non-assumptive way.

Now this approach is legitimate and groundbreaking in its own right for the way it expands the scope of gender-neutral parenting into a whole new realm by adding a peer group with which gender neutral-raised children can interact.  I imagine this goes a long way in helping children relate to one another and explore gender as a supportive group without worries about bullying, misunderstandings, or negative reinforcement from peers or teachers who do not understand a progressive parent’s objectives in gender neutral child-rearing.  Kids can grow up using gender neutral-pronouns with their friends, dressing in counter-traditional ways, and expressing themselves with the support of their friends.  However, the problem with this line of thinking is the limit of scope.  If you don’t live in Sweden and have the substantial money and connections to get your child into Egalia, there aren’t a whole lot of options for your child.  You must, like Witterick and Stocker, face raising a gender-neutral child on your own.

Which brings up the second way of looking at this parenting conundrum.  Critics argue that by raising a child without introducing zir to the concept of gender norms will actually CAUSE gender confusion for the child later in life.  If maladjusted to the way that society treats gender, children may not be able to distinguish between their own unique perception of self-identity and the how it relates to these norms.  This school of thought focuses, I think excessively, on the idea that gender neutral parenting is trying to “eradicate gender,” a process which they claim is both impossible and a distinctly misdirected aim. The primary claim here is that gender creates structure in our world, and there are positive effects of teaching boys and girls how to act in accordance with these structures.  It makes the world run more smoothly.  If small children are not taught how to blend into these larger sub-groups, chaos ensues as gender collapses on the superficial feet it was built on.

However, I have a number of objections.  I agree that the objective of erasing gender is foolish.  Gender does offer structure and a sense of identity that is crucial to many people.  But gender-neutral parenting is not an attempt to erase gender.  It is a way of postponing the judgments of gender (what clothes to wear, what toys to play with, what professions to strive after- don’t believe me, see what an average parent says about a boy wanting to be a hairdresser when he grows up) and allowing children to grow up free to express themselves as they wish.

Gender-neutral parenting is also an exercise in acceptance of trans and gender non-conforming people (who, incidentally, I imagine don’t all believe in the erasure of gender either).  If a child can grow up and grow into any gender role that ze feels fit for, it prevents years of torment and judgment aimed at children who don’t fit the conventional standards of behavior, AND prevents the alienation and loss a parent often feels when their child announces that they want to transition, or to be start living life as an opposite/different gender.

Now the third school of thought regarding parenting suggests that regular ol’ boys and girls who are raised gender neutral will somehow be maladjusted without the introduction of gender roles early on in their lives.  I have only this to say: children as much smarter than you give them credit for.  Many trans-identified people note that they have known as long as they could remember that the body they had did not match the self they felt inside.  They were capable, at the tender ages of 3 and 4, to pick apart the difference between gender and sex in regards to their own personal identity.  Witterick and Stocker’s first child, Jazz, exhibits an even more nuanced understanding of his own gender, differentiating gender identity from gender expression: though he often wears dresses, keeps his hair long, and loves the color pink, he very strongly identifies as male, and requests that his mother tell his camp councilors that he is a boy.  This shows that Jazz understands not only his own internal conception of gender, but recognizes how gender norms influence how he is perceived by others.

My proposal is that Jazz is not an unusual child.  If given the opportunity, I imagine many, if not most, children are capable of the same understandings and navigations of gender.  With support and guidance from parents who help their children uncover and navigate a very gender-biased world, I honestly believe this style of parenting is legitimate and sustainable.  After all, we were all picked on in school for being different in one way or another.  If we grew strong from it, if our parents explained to us why other kids bully and why we should never stop being ourselves, shouldn’t we pass these values on to our children?