Hey guys
I just wanted to let you know that Forever the Queerest Kids will be offline for a few days while I pack up and move my life to DC for the school year. Hopefully I’ll be back to give you guys some more queer content on the 3rd or 4th, but just hang tight till then! If anyone feels like sending me guest posts, now is definitely the time to do it!
Stay cool, queer kids.
Let me preface by saying that Taoism has a dual nature- as both philosophy and religion. Both reach their root back into ancient China. However, much of the traditional “religious” teachings have become hopelessly outdated, and include ideas like conserving a man’s life essence by not ejaculating and attempting to have the woman orgasm 9 times in each session because it echoes the balance of the 9 lines in the I Ching. These ideas don’t really make any sense to me as a modern woman. HOWEVER, the supposedly “philosophical” teachings of Taoism- those of non-action, following the Tao, and being at peace with the rhythm of the universe which are found in the Tao Te Ching- still resonates strongly. I consider these to be religious ideas, because they incorporate an eternal spirit (Tao) and a code of ethics. So I’m kind of arguing that I have made peace with my sexuality through a religious philosophy.
For starters, if you don’t know what Taoism is, this is a brief rundown:
Taoists believe the existence of the Tao, a life force or energy that exists in and around everything in our world. It creates a natural order, which when human beings listen to and cooperate with it, life is peaceful and good. When we contradict the Tao, by disrupting nature or being disrespectful to the harmony of the world, we get problems like war, pollution, and hate.
Taoists try to follow this teaching:
The Master allows things to happen.
She shapes events as they come.
She steps out of the way
and lets the Tao speak for itself.
The beautiful thing about philosophical Taoism is the simplicity of its “doctrine.” Listen to the universe. Listen to yourself, because the Tao resides in you and will guide you in the ways of the universe. So when I “came out to myself” as bisexual (…and then later as pansexual, and again as queer), I didn’t face the struggle that many religious people do. My religion puts a lot of faith in its followers- that they know who they are and what is best for them as a part of a greater whole in this world. My sexuality has never hurt anyone. It does not disrupt nature’s order for the world.
In fact, I would argue that my sexuality, through my relationships with others, is a very good thing religiously. Even if I personally am following the Tao and have made peace with my sexuality, there are others out there with hate in their hearts, hate which interrupts the work of the Tao. If they know me, if they speak to me, learn with me, then their anger might be abated and order slowly restored to their life and the universe as a whole.
In addition, the deep love that I feel for another actually nourishes my spiritual growth. Through love, I learn to listen to my heart, to use it with respect. I may be born with the innate ability to love and to care, yet only through practice can I uncover the depth of emotion, tap into the essence of connectedness, and begin to see the underlying patterns the Tao weaves. Verse 34 of the Tao Te Ching states that the Tao is hidden in the hearts of all things; by connecting and using my heart to love others, I become closer to the Tao within myself. And this kind of growth occurs no matter who you love- gay, straight, bi, pan, queer, questioning, the labels are irrelevant when you reach that core emotion. My sexuality is only one version of many which feeds the source, the Tao.
In the end, I think all religions will agree that love triumphs over all. Taoist would say that those who forget this essential teaching simply need to stop for a moment and listen to the spirit inside of them. It will always tell you the harmonious way to live.
Lessons from Avenue Q
Love this song from the Broadway musical, Avenue Q, about accepting a person’s orientation and recognizing that sexual behavior doesn’t change a friendship
I thought I’d post something I started on when I first thought about the need for sex writing and honest information. It’s been sitting in a little notebook in my desk for some time, and while it’s hardly everything, it’s a good starting point. Consider this the sex talk your parents never gave you:
Prelude: Ok, so the likelihood is, if you’re reading this “book,” you’ve got someone in mind and you’re wondering if you’re ready for an intimate relationship. Well, more often than not, the fact that you’ve picked this up means that you’re not. …But maybe you are. Let’s find out.
Ch. 1- Mental Mindset
Sex is more than just an act- it’s a state of mind. A lot of people who have negative emotional experiences when it comes to sex were not mentally prepared for the experience. So before you even bring up the possibility of sex to your partner, you need to make sure you know what it means for you.
Sex is about 4 things- trust, communication, self-image, and pleasure. The easiest thing to start with is self-image.
SELF-IMAGE: Put simply, sex means being completely naked (shocker, right?)- both physically and emotionally- with your partner. If you aren’t comfortable with how your body looks, you’ll be inhibited mentally and you won’t enjoy sex as much. So how can you work on this?
As for emotional self-image, it’s important to understand what you are looking for in a relationship and how your personality will affect it. Is this a fling? Are you a person who gets easily attached emotionally? Do you need a lot of physical interaction to make a relationship work? Understanding what you want will make communicating and relating to your partner much easier. But how do you learn what your specific needs are?
COMMUNICATION: Once you understand what you personally want from a sexual interaction, you need to talk to your partner about what they want. If they haven’t thought about it, I recommend that you wait on sex until they have reached the state of mental preparedness that you have. The most important thing is that both people in a sexual relationship are on the same page.
If you are both at this point, take some serious time to discuss the details of sex. While movies may romanticize sex as spur-of-the-moment, if you don’t talk with your partner beforehand, major consequences (physical and emotional) can ensue.
So what’s important to talk about?
TRUST: The reason many people suggest waiting on sex in a relationship is to make sure the couple has built up sufficient trust in each other. Sex can come with some insecurity, so if you do not trust your partner implicitly, you may regret sex afterwards.
Emotional trust is primary in terms of the general relationship as well. Warning signs of lack of trust include:
If you have any of these problems, put off your plans for sex until you’ve addressed them. Never let fears of a relationship ending pressure you into having sex.
Things to remember:
Aftermath:
Ok, so now that you’ve done the deed, there are immediate and secondary steps to take.
Immediate- just because sex itself is over, does not mean the interaction is done. Don’t flip back on the awkward switch and run for your clothes as soon as your animalistic senses wear off. Stick around and lay together for a while to assure your partner that sex has not emotionally hurt or changed you. When you’ve cuddled sufficiently, consider doing something intimate but not sexual to transition, like taking a shower or helping each other dress. Reinforce the bond that you formed through sex.
Later- Debrief with your partner. What went well? What should we work on? What could we change/add for next time to make the experience more enjoyable?
**Note- Do not let sex replace your relationship. Undoubtedly, if the experience was positive, you’ll want to repeat the performance. But try to alternate activities so that sex is a fixture of expression in your relationship, but not its only component.
–
So that’s what I had written. Note, of course, that I totally forgot purposefully omitted the section on pleasure, but I think from the rest of the blog, you guys get that already. Also, this was written from the assumption that the person’s sexual relationship would be ongoing (which it isn’t always- and I’m not here to judge that), but this guide would be a lot shorter if it were only covering one night engagements. Anyway, what do you think? Any other advice?
LGBT in High School
We were all there at one point- whether you graduated in 1979 or 2009, high school has always been an environment fraught with risks for LGBT teens. Peer pressure and teenage hormones have been blamed for everything from drug addiction to drunk driving, but they additionally confound our sense of identity as we mature into sexual adults. What a combination to deal with at 16, eh?
You know the motif: homophobic remarks roam high school hallways uninhibited. Pressures to know the right people and say the right things are paramount. And a misplaced piece of gossip, fictitious or not, can make you the object of adoration or shame in an instant.
Now this is not an admonition against coming out in high school- that would be awful, hypocritical advice on my part. But it is an acknowledgement of certain principles immutable by the drift of time. Teenagers talk. They don’t check facts, but spread information like wildfire. So perhaps this is a recommendation for caution and discretion.
When you come out in high school, news can spread fast, so it is of utmost important that you have made peace within yourself concerning your sexuality. Because even if you only plan on telling one person, you must be prepared to deal with the possibility that others, those less understanding than your good friends, will find out and bring the issue up. And even in the most accepting of circles, you will meet with implicit societal animosity (this goes for the outside world as well!). Do not allow yourself to be guilted. Love yourself.
It’s totally possible to reconcile all of these things. The average age for coming out in 2009 was 16, and over 80% of LGBT people in generation Y (born between 1980 and the turn of the century) have or will come out by the end of high school. Peers and faculty are becoming more understanding and more resources are available every day.
If you are considering coming out in high school, I highly suggest, regardless of how accepting your social group, that you join a Gay-Straight Alliance if one exists at your school. At their most defunct, GSA’s area group of likeminded, tolerant, allied students meeting to socialize. At their best, GSA’s are a safe space for LGBT people and
allies to seek support, expand their knowledge, and enact social change in their school environment. The GSA at my old high school carried out an incredible campaign to abolish a discriminatory policy which required students bringing same-sex partners to dances to get a parental consent form signed. This social activism, in addition to their participation in GLSEN’s Day of Silence (http://www.dayofsilence.org/index.cfm) and Transgender Day of Remembrance (http://www.transgenderdor.org/?page_id=4) made them a powerful voice in the school environment.
But more than that, GSA’s are a place for discussion (which you all know I’m so fond of…) and support. I will tell you this-without a doubt, there will be times when your friends do not understand the things you think, feel, or experience in relation to your sexuality. GSA is a wonderful environment for deconstructing and coming to peace with your own situation.
As John Donne said in his Meditation 17, “No man is an island, entire of itself. Every man is a piece of the continent.” In high school, this is especially true. My best advice is to have confidence in yourself and to seek out people and organizations which validate and reinforce this confidence.
As the daughter of a nurse midwife and a pharmacist, you could say I live in a “medically privileged household.” My parents can treat burns, diagnose tonsillitis, prescribe antibiotics, and generally serve all medical needs short of major surgery. But even in my modern, medically-knowledgeable family, there were giant holes in the information I received about sex, sexuality, and identity. And despite my mother’s 25 years as a nurse-midwife, working tirelessly to help women understand their bodies and how to care for themselves, she was frustrated by her inability to help when I told her that sex was painful and unpleasant for me. She referred me to a sex therapist, scheduled me an appointment at her old practice, the Midwife Center (which is one of the last accredited outposts of holistic health in the US), and did everything she could to help me. Considering how progressive and proactive a stance my mother took still without result, you can only imagine how such a story unfolds elsewhere.
The problem for me, it turns out, wasn’t just physical- retroverted cervix aside…- it was also mental. My pain derived both from internal mental pressure (to orgasm, to enjoy sex, to NOT BE SUPER AWKWARD- which failed **I will note that my mother DID address this!) and from a lack of sexual attraction to my partners. Medical doctors and therapists had both asked me “Well, are you aroused? Is entry painful? et. al., but they were unable to tease apart the psychological constructs of romantic attraction from sexual attraction. Because, hell, I wanted to have sex- just…not with men, it seems. Anyway, point being that the people I asked weren’t able to help me because they didn’t have the background in the mental and emotional aspects of sexuality and identity- they only have the medical.
One word I’ll toss around a lot in this article (and blog in general) is sex positivity. Carnal Nation’s Carol Queen wrote a wonderful article, “Elements of Sex-Positivity,” on what exactly this means, but in essence, sex positivity is a lot like how it sounds: positive enforcement of safe, consensual exploration of sex. Sex positivity is about open-mindedness.
Sex positivity means you acknowledge that sex is, or could be under the right circumstances, a positive, healthy force in anyone’s life… even if it isn’t right now. Those circumstances may not be the same for everyone (though some may be universal, like consent), but they include things like access to information, support, condoms (if relevant), a loving (or at least friendly) partner, healing from past negative sexual experiences like rape or abuse, privacy, enhanced self-esteem, etc.
Unfortunately, most doctors don’t get this lecture in med school. They can tell us about STDs and how conception occurs; they can detail fetal development and diagram our anatomical anomalies, but they can’t explain the way our bodies react to things our minds find arousing. Doctors are completely in the dark when it comes to our body-mind interaction and the complexities of gender and attraction.
Another fantastic Carnal Nation article gives A Sex Prescription for Doctors, because as it stands now, the medical profession is ill-equipped to handle the multitude of ways we think and feel about sex.
..There are about a jillion physicians who don’t know the first thing about sexual products, masturbation, the clitoris, what the foreskin would do for a man’s sexual pleasure if it weren’t removed by circumcision, what sexual effects hormone replacement therapy is likely to create in a menopausal woman (or the effects of hormones in a transgendered man), and all the other tens of thousands of sex or gender questions people might have for their physicians.
In terms of sexual behavior, teens and even adults have become their own teachers. They have jumped into uncharted waters to explore because society has refused to give them real, comprehensive, sex-positive guidelines. Can you imagine how a story like mine might have differed if our gynecologists, instead of asking if we were using birth control, started by asking if we were ENJOYING sex? And god forbid, if we actually had the relationship with our medical care providers that a conversation as such would seem normal!
When I hit puberty, my PCP recommended an inane book akin to those used for middle school health classes- I was nearly in tears. I couldn’t verbalize how insulting, how demeaning her suggestion felt to me. It seemed as if she was telling me that I didn’t know my own body. I’d had the lectures on hormones and secondary-sex characteristics. I understood my body, but I had NO IDEA what to do with it. And frankly, I don’t think my doctor knew either- if she did, she certainly wouldn’t tell me.
This going-in-blind model, created by a lack of health care provider knowledge and patient-doctor dialogue, instills constant guilt in teenagers- guilt they often carry into adulthood. Now that’s hardly the model we want for a well-adjusted, sex-positive society!
And the story only gets worse as we begin to touch the tougher questions, those that approach before we become teens, before we begin to think for ourselves. Issues of gender identity often arise as early as 3-4 yrs. old. If a preschool boy insists on wearing dresses and playing with dolls, what will a doctor tell the parents to do? Most, even in today’s relatively progressive society, will tell them to put him in overalls and take the dolls away. They don’t have comprehensive training in these issues. They simply know what seems normal or abnormal to their sociological paradigm, and that’s no basis for a medical or psychological decision at all.
The Edge DC wrote a piece recently called “When is Too Early to Change Genders?” which puts this struggle into perspective, especially considering the harassment, disrespect, and often familial disapproval that transgendered teens are subjected to. On top of that, most health care providers have little, if any experience dealing with transgendered and/or transitioning kids, much less with gender non-conforming kids (outside of the gender binary completely) who may be feeling (but unable to express) states of being which English hasn’t even termed yet. How can responsible caregivers diagnose and help kids and teens who understand their gender in a way science and medicine haven’t caught up with yet?
The only effort I’ve seen so far made towards rectifying these problems has been through the National Sex Forum and the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality’s SAR series. SARs, or Sexual Attitude Restructuring program, is described by one of its leaders Amy Marsh as “an immersion course designed for sexologists and other helping professionals. The idea is to leave your comfort zone, discover your buttons, process all kinds of things you’d never thought you’d see or even hear about, and come out the other side with a better understanding of the really enormous range of human sexual behavior”
SARs run through the gamut of sex-related materials, from porn to erotic fiction to Good Morning America investigative specials. Though amazing for their focus, the extent to which SARs cover issues of gender identity and expression however, is limited (probably because they’re two separate things, duh), and I don’t know of any professional organizations or workshops which do. Of course, my knowledge in this area is, again, sorely lacking. I apologize to any trans readers out there- I suck at finding gender identity information. Boo.
My mother, in talking to me about my blog, said “It’s crazy how your generation knows more about these issues than people who’ve been having sex for way longer.” And that is both true and unfortunate. Overall, despite the success and growing scale of SARs, the medical world (and society in general) still has a lot to learn if they want to help a new, younger, more open generation deal with their sexual and developmental health.
In case you guys haven’t seen this before, the Sassy Gay Friend videos are hysterical. Totally abusive of stereotypes, of course, but hysterical all the same. And even better for people who know Shakespeare. My two favorites are below:
A wonderful reader sent me this article, by Rev. Mel White, co-founder of the Christian group, Soulforce, which is written in response to the hurtful sometimes even hateful messages LGBT people receive from the Christian community. I am probably among the worst-versed in Christian theology, so I won’t even try to tackle this argument myself. This article emphasizes many of the points I’ve heard before about the misinterpretation and misquotation of anti-LGBT verses in the bible.
Here’s a few highlights, although I highly suggest you read the article in its entirety.
“The authors of the Bible are authorities in matters of faith. They can be trusted when they talk about God. But they should not be considered the final authorities on sexual orientation any more than they are the final authorities on space travel, gravity, or the Internet.”
“What about this word abomination that comes up in both passages? In Hebrew, “abominations” (TO’EBAH) are behaviors that people in a certain time and place consider tasteless or offensive. To the Jews an abomination was not a law, not something evil like rape or murder forbidden by the Ten Commandments. It was a common behavior by non-Jews that Jews thought was displeasing to God.”
“Jesus and Paul both said the holiness code in Leviticus does not pertain to Christian believers.”
A young Jewish scholar asked Jesus, “What is the greatest commandment?” Quoting the prophets, Jesus replied, “The great commandment is this… to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and the second command is like it, to love your neighbor as you love yourself.”
“This is my commandment,” Jesus said, “that you love one another, as I have loved you.” On this the Bible is explicitly clear. Even if we disagree about what the Bible seems to say about homosexuality, we can agree that above all else we are commanded by the Scriptures to love God and to love one another.
…
“Imagine the suffering that could be avoided if the church could say this to their lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender children: “We don’t understand your views about sexual orientation, but we love and trust you. As long as you love God and seek God’s will in your life, you are welcome here.”
I’d like to sincerely thank the reader who sent me this and ask all of you what your thoughts are regarding Rev. White’s arguments.
I think one of the most interesting misconceptions of the gay community has to do with “coming out.” In a lot of literature, it seems like coming out is a singular event, it-happens-once-and-then-you’re-out-for-good kind of deal, which any out LGBT person can tell you is completely untrue.
Coming out is a constant, ongoing process which takes a lot of care, trust, and good judgment. It’s about deciding who needs to know, who you want to know, who has the right to know, and how soon to tell them. It’s about how much of your true self you are willing to put forth at any given time.
I think of coming out as one of the most unique experiences our modern
culture offers: in a way, all people “come out” with small aspects of their personality- the classic football player’s love for baking or the business man who cross-dresses on weekends. Just like these modern archetypes, LGBT people all keep an aspect of their life quiet for a period of time; they hide a chunk of their essence because of fear, misunderstanding, or insecurity. But, unlike the baking football player, coming out as LGBT exists on a whole other emotional playing field, because the confession is no longer one of practice, but one integral to the person’s being.
If necessary, a football player can stop making cookies on Saturday night- he may be sad to leave his favorite hobby, but he can choose to do so if he feels that it is bringing upon him too much criticism or mockery. An LGBT person, on the other hand, can never abdicate that part of themselves. He/she/ze will always be gay and that cannot change. A gay person can suppress that part of themselves- like transgender people wearing cis-gendered (aka- aligned with their birth sex) clothing so not to draw attention to their true gender identity- but they can never completely eradicate the feelings that make up that identity.
Which is why coming out is so difficult EVERY SINGLE TIME. A gay person does not simply say “Hey world, I’m gay,”
and then never need to express it again. They will always be telling new people about their partner, about their gender or their preferred pronouns, or their sexuality. Coming out never stops. And it is incredibly hard.
Being LGBT forces you to read people immediately and accurately so that you know how much of the truth you can give out. It forces you to constantly measure yourself and your personal feelings against other people’s prejudices and values. And occasionally, it means coming out in spite of them, putting yourself in the path of hatred or rejection, in
order to change someone’s point of view.
I can’t tell you how to come out and I can’t tell you who to tell first. I can’t tell you when to do it for the first time, but I can tell you that there is no such thing as the last time. You will always be coming out, always shaping and influencing with your disclosures and your trust. And for that, the only thing I can say is thank you. Thank you for your courage and conviction, for your belief in yourself and the purity of who you love. Thank you for being ok with yourself and for slowly but surely teaching the rest of the world to be ok with it too.
One of our lovely readers forwarded me this link to The Daily Beast’s list of the US’s top 20 Gay Cities. Never mind that their only criteria for a gay city is number of same-sex couples per thousand households and all 20 cities hover between 7.6 and 5% gay, with San Francisco being the notable outlier at 12%. But the article attached does have some interesting information about median incomes and overall satisfaction with living environment relative to a sizable gay population (if you consider 5% sizable…)
The article also brings to light an interesting question: how does the “gay friendly” factor affect your choice of where to live? Granted, for a lot of people, the question of where to live has more to do with your potential job opportunities than the relative gayness of the metro population, but it can be an important thing to take into consideration.
So what makes a good gay city? Besides gay people and tolerant straight ones, here’s your checklist:
You’d be surprised how large a difference a gay-positive atmosphere makes in terms of comfort in a city. Personally, I never felt uncomfortable living out in my hometown of Pittsburgh, but the switch to Washington DC was none-the-less mindblowingly different. Something about all of these factors creates a different feel in the air- it’s more comfortable, more normal to be gay in your everyday life in these places. So while I’ll never suggest this be the first criterion in your search for a place to work or a college town, you might consider how an urban environment (especially these top 20 cities) would affect your lifestyle.
